Post-Fuck Awkwardness

Post-Fuck Awkwardness

You know, afterwards, do you cuddle? See I’m puzzled because, holding you feels a bit much. Like opening myself up to you, which I know I literally did do about twenty minutes ago and, though you are now very well acquainted with my cervix that still seems

Less…Intimate.

More…Natural.

Than fingersteps traced across your chest as my head rests on your clavicle; your hands in my hair and gentle kisses pressed on my forehead. You turn to spoon but, it feels a bit soon, like, I don’t even know which drawer holds your actual cutlery in the kitchen. I’ve never been there. You just whisked me upstairs, stripped to underwear, my clothes (and yours too) strewn, chaos on your bedroom floor, and they always seem so disapproving the morning after the night before so I hurry them back on. All whispered curses and shuffling limbs in the dark. My bra straps are twisted wrong and I’ve only got one sock so, I flick the light on. Catch your half opening, just-fucked, 3am eyes. And realise. For the first time tonight.

I am truly naked.

Letters

Dearest, Darling Angela,

I am writing this letter because I feel compelled to tell you how I feel about you.

I have admired you from afar for far too long. I yearn for you. My heart droops when you’re not around – like the ears of a sad bunny rabbit who has been robbed of his carrot.

And unlike this sad bunny rabbit, Angela, my heart cannot simply be shut in a hutch. It will continue to beat through my prison of hay. I shall not be content with a replacement carrot.

I think I’m in love with you.

I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re so beautiful on the outside. Like rainbows. I bet you’re just as beautiful on the inside. Hypothetically speaking, if I cut off your skin, and pulled back the fleshy curtains, I assume your blood would be made of rainbows.

I wish I was as beautiful as you. I think about this too. It makes me more than a droopy, carrot deprived bunny rabbit…It made me angry. For days. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat…not even liver, and that’s my favourite. I cut the tail off next doors cat, and that cheered me up for a little while; long enough to replace all the mirrors in my apartment.

I just have pictures of you instead now. It’s definitely brightened the place up.

If I did cut your skin off, still hypothetically speaking of course, I think I’d try it on, and then you could see me be as beautiful as you are, and maybe then you could find it in your heart to love me, because I’d be on your level.

I want to bring you tea and toast served on my finest Edwardian china.

I want to know what your elbows smell like.

Sometimes, I want to rip out your intestines and feed them to an angry hyena.

Because that’s what love feels like Angela.

I know that you feel it too. The connection we have. It’s like electricity flowing through a  power drill, or a nail gun, or other weapon…erm, I mean, household appliances.

I’ve seen the way you look at me when you’re signing for a parcel. I can hear your ‘thank you’ is laced with lust. I know, when I push the mail into your mailbox, you’re on the other side of the door thinking ‘hot damn, I wish he’d post his male into my malebox’.

And I can’t blame you Angie baby…I have this effect on many women.

But unlike those other women, you can have this male delivered to your door within 24 hours. You can thank me later.

I would never stand you up and not return your calls for months like the last 7 men you invited over (not that I’m counting Angela). I can’t understand why anybody would be so mean as to just…disappear from your life. What happened to them? It’s a mystery.

I hear that nobody knows, but that they definitely weren’t killed by the mailman.

So my dear, sweet sweet Angela, filled with rainbows and vital organs and sexual desire, please no longer let my love go unrequited. We could take things slowly. Maybe you could come to my apartment, have a couple of drinks, we could watch the texas chainsaw massacre or something.

I’d really love to show you my collection of spleens. No woman has ever seen that before. I bet you have a beautiful spleen. It would take pride of place in my spleen display.

Would love to hear from you soon. Otherwise I’ll have to cut my own hand off, one finger at a time, and then I’ll run out of fingers and I’ll have to start cutting up other things, like lettuces and penguins and shop assistants and children and you’ll read about it in the Times and see it on the news and I’ll send shreds of lettuces and penguins and shop assistants and children to you in the mail like a salad, and you’ll know what you did Angela.

But I’m sure that won’t happen.

All my love

Hector

(Your mailman)

 

The Jujube Tree, The Cow and The Notebook

The cows are different in India.

It is like the cows and the cats have swapped places. In Buntingford, a cat will happily slink into a neighbour’s garden, its fluffy ears and whiskers pleading for cream from an obliging pensioner. In Delhi, the cats dart frantically about the marketplace. Squawking. Paranoid. Their ears twitch in wake of the tuk-tuks hurtling by, and they raise their hackles at the approaching humans.

The cows, on the other hand, saunter through the hustle and bustle as though legitimately browsing for garam masala. Now, cows in Norfolk are suspicious – and for good reason. Each roll of tyre tread up the gravel path could mean a one way ticket to those mysterious factories, marked with a giant yellow M. They do not know the secrets of this place, but the general consensus is that the M stands for murder… But the sacred status of the Indian city cows gives them an air of arrogance, which rises up and mingles with the sweet incense burning through the market.

Raj was a city cow. Though often he would wander in spring, leaving the sweltering Delhi heat behind him. Each afternoon, from the first day of spring to the great rains, Raj would plod into the countryside in search of a place to cool off.

He settled under the great Jujube tree, as he had done so many times before. Raj was now eleven summers old, and had spent ten of them resting under the Jujube’s jade canvas. He did not know how many summers the tree had stood there, but thought it to be a great many more than eleven.

The Jujube was a humble tree. It did not bear fruit, as the mango or the coconut palm did so deliciously. Nor did it shout in oranges or reds, like the dazzling Gulmohar. It did not smell sweet as the Jasmine, nor grow so tall as the mighty Baobab. But the Jujube was wise. Raj and he had become great friends.

The first summer they talked of the earth and the trees. The second they talked of the rivers and seas and skies. Two more summers were spent discussing politics, and the fifth concerned the gods. Over the next four summers they had talked of humans and traffic and markets and trains and music and tourists and laughter and love and Raj couldn’t remember what they had talked of in this tenth summer because it had gone too quickly.

Elephants sounded their symphony over the horizon. The sun bowed its glowing head in response, and thunder announced the monsoons were on their way. Raj knew what they must talk of before the tenth summer was finally gone.

“What is wrong?” the tree whispered, leaves rustling under its soft words.

“I am old, friend” Raj replied.

The tree laughed in his usual way.

“You are far younger than I.”

“The sun is setting.”

“Yes.”

The dimming light cast a long shadow from the Jujube to the place where Raj stood.

“Will we ever meet again?” the cow asked. The Jujube tree thought for a while.

“I am going to tell you a story” he said.

Raj said nothing. He had always loved hearing the tree’s stories, and laid himself down to listen on the bed of long grass.

“In Delhi there is a village. And in that village there is a little blue house. And in the little blue house lives a little girl. A girl with coffee-brown eyes and delicate hands, clutching a pen decorated with white elephants. Tomorrow is that little girl’s birthday.”

Raj did not know who the tree meant. After all there were many little girls in blue houses in Delhi. He also did not understand how the Jujube knew of this girl, when he was so firmly rooted here. But still he said nothing, and the tree continued.

“And her mother will spend the day teaching her the ways of cooking, and her sisters will help. And her father will come home late. He will hand her a parcel, and press a finger to his lips. A small, square parcel, carefully wrapped into gold and black paper. When she opens the package the girl will find a tan leather notebook, printed with patterns and fastened with a gold clasp. Inside will be crisp white pages, waiting patiently for the little girl and her elephant pen.

After all, dear friend, words are not consumed, as the mangoes and the coconuts are. Their colours do not wilt and become pallid with the winter, like the fiery petals of the Gulmohar. Words are alive.” The tree said.

The thunder grew closer, applauding the Jujube. The moon kissed goodbye to the dusk as the sun sank lower still in the Delhi skyline.

“And that little girl will see life. She will see the earth and skies and markets and gods and tourists and politics and traffic and water and laughter and love. One day, in the summer, she will take a bus out of the city, with her notebook of leather and parchment, and her little white elephant pen. She will pass through the fields. She will see a cow, settling underneath a Jujube tree. And she will notice.”

“Oh.” Said Raj.

And the rains began.

 

Letters

Dearest, Darling Angela,

I am writing this letter because I feel compelled to tell you how I feel about you.

I have admired you from afar for far too long. I yearn for you. My heart droops when you’re not around – like the ears of a sad bunny rabbit who has been robbed of his carrot.

And unlike this sad bunny rabbit, Angela, my heart cannot simply be shut in a hutch. It will continue to beat through my prison of hay. I shall not be content with a replacement carrot.

I think I’m in love with you.

I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re so beautiful on the outside. Like rainbows. I bet you’re just as beautiful on the inside. Hypothetically speaking, if I cut off your skin, and pulled back the fleshy curtains, I assume your blood would be made of rainbows.

I wish I was as beautiful as you. I think about this too. It makes me more than a droopy, carrot deprived bunny rabbit…It made me angry. For days. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat…not even liver, and that’s my favourite. I cut the tail off next doors cat, and that cheered me up for a little while; long enough to replace all the mirrors in my apartment.

I just have pictures of you instead now. It’s definitely brightened the place up.

If I did cut your skin off, still hypothetically speaking of course, I think I’d try it on, and then you could see me be as beautiful as you are, and maybe then you could find it in your heart to love me, because I’d be on your level.

I want to bring you tea and toast served on my finest Edwardian china.

I want to know what your elbows smell like.

Sometimes, I want to rip out your intestines and feed them to an angry hyena.

Because that’s what love feels like Angela.

I know that you feel it too. The connection we have. It’s like electricity flowing through a  power drill, or a nail gun, or other weapon…erm, I mean, household appliances.

I’ve seen the way you look at me when you’re signing for a parcel. I can hear your ‘thank you’ is laced with lust. I know, when I push the mail into your mailbox, you’re on the other side of the door thinking ‘hot damn, I wish he’d post his male into my malebox’.

And I can’t blame you Angie baby…I have this effect on many women.

But unlike those other women, you can have this male delivered to your door within 24 hours. You can thank me later.

I would never stand you up and not return your calls for months like the last 7 men you invited over (not that I’m counting Angela). I can’t understand why anybody would be so mean as to just…disappear from your life. What happened to them? It’s a mystery.

I hear that nobody knows, but that they definitely weren’t killed by the mailman.

So my dear, sweet sweet Angela, filled with rainbows and vital organs and sexual desire, please no longer let my love go unrequited. We could take things slowly. Maybe you could come to my apartment, have a couple of drinks, we could watch the texas chainsaw massacre or something.

I’d really love to show you my collection of spleens. No woman has ever seen that before. I bet you have a beautiful spleen. It would take pride of place in my spleen display.

Would love to hear from you soon. Otherwise I’ll have to cut my own hand off, one finger at a time, and then I’ll run out of fingers and I’ll have to start cutting up other things, like lettuces and penguins and shop assistants and children and you’ll read about it in the Times and see it on the news and I’ll send shreds of lettuces and penguins and shop assistants and children to you in the mail like a salad, and you’ll know what you did Angela.

But I’m sure that won’t happen.

All my love

Hector

(Your mailman)