Tiny creature
Month: February 2014
February…what are you for? (Flowers, pancakes, and sloths as it turns out)
So i’m inside the house on a lazy Monday afternoon. And, I must admit, i’m feeling a little sorry for myself; I’ve just burnt my finger on the oven trying to make a fish finger sandwich. I’ve had to wrap damp kitchen roll round the burn like some kind of limp, soggy finger puppet. It’s quite disturbing.
I should be at university today, and i’m not, so perhaps this latest assault from my kitchen appliance was karma from the educational system. The truth is I don’t know why I haven’t gone in.
I don’t feel ill.
I don’t feel tired.
I just feel a bit…
Meh.
I’m looking up through my window…and it’s all just grey. The sky is one big steely cloud glaring down. ‘I could snow’ it taunts ‘but I can’t be arsed.’ Even the climate is ‘meh’.
So is it just that time of year? After all, what really happens in February?
Pancake day…that’s quite good. That’s something to look forward to.
‘Lets take all the fat and sugar and other assorted yummy stuff in our cupboards and eat it all yaaaaaaaay!’. I know in times gone by it was supposed to be a pre-empting binge to lent’s relentless purge but, that seems to have disappeared in our house. We just like to omnomnom.
I wonder why we don’t have pancakes any other time of year. They’re perfectly nice after all. It’s like turkey, crème eggs, and the ultimate seasonal snack – piggies in blankets! They’re around for a few weeks then disappear, forgotten for another year. Why can’t yucky things be relegated to 2 weeks of the year instead, like courgettes or something?
Then there’s Valentine’s day…
Everyone went berserk on the old social media this Valentine’s day! I couldn’t avoid posts like ‘Aww best day with ma bbz luv ya bby gyal’ or ‘wil b wiv ma bb boi 4 lyfey’. In my opinion, if you were so in love, you would at least have the decency to refer to your ‘bby gyal’ with correct spelling and grammar.
My name only contains 4 letters, and my dad still addresses my texts to ‘Fa’. Apparently his only child doesn’t deserve letters ‘Y’ and ‘E’. That really gets my goat! Or as my dad might say, ‘that rall gts m goat’
One girl practically told the whole of the internet she was going to be fornicating! That’s not on is it?
I’m all for a good bonk, honestly, but do you really want your extended family to know it’s not only rose petals he’s laying on that bed?
Speaking of rose petals, there were plenty of traumatised looking young men wandering round Huddersfield, trying to protect their Tesco value bouquets from the sleet and hail. Lilys and carnations bowed their heads, bent double under the wrath of the furious February winds. I imagine some women just received a bunch of stems.
Flowers are a bit of an odd gift though aren’t they? They’re pretty for a week and then they die. That’s a tad macabre.
I think a cuddle would be an ideal valentines gift.
Which is why I think my perfect valentine date would be a sloth.
Now, hear me out on this one! The three toed sloth loves climbing, cuddling, and, most importantly, hibiscus flowers – also known as ‘sloth chocolate’. Meaning for a gift you could cover flowers and chocolates in one go! So easily pleased.
The world land speed record for a sloth is 1.5m/s – so if he tried to run away, (which men occasionally do from me, I have no idea why!) you could just pick him up and snuggle him again.
They can’t argue with you. They only make little squeaky noises. D’aww :’)
And sometimes, sloths fall out of trees, because they try to grab their own arms thinking it’s a tree branch. How do you get cuter than that?!
Who would your ideal valentines date be and why? Answers on a postcard ;D (comments box)
Peace and love
Faye
And Sloth Queen Buttercup
Running the Country; Why Students Know Best
Evening all. I’m Faye. And I’m a student.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Student. ‘She sleeps in til 3pm on weekdays!’ ‘She’s sponging off our economy!’ ‘Standards are slipping, look, she started a sentence with and!’ (<< one for the grammar police there).
But, despite what your qualms with my co-ordinating conjunctions may be, I really feel like I could sort the government out in about 3 minutes.
To set the record straight, I don’t support a political party as such. I know some feminists may be raging at that statement, but when Emiline Pankhurst threw herself under that horse, I don’t think voting for David Cameron and his spare bedroom tax was really what she had in mind…
Apparently generation Y are apathetic and lazy where politics is concerned. I for one disagree. So I ask, politicians, lords and ladies, lend me your ears! (See, we do learn things at university, I just quoted Shakespeare!) Here is my three point plan:
- Lowering Tuition Fees – ‘Lining your own pockets’ I hear you say? Well, whilst the idea of being 40 grand in debt until im one hundred and three doesn’t exactly leave me jumping for joy, I’m really thinking beyond my own finances.
If you lend half a million students (based on average yearly applicants x3 years they’ll be studying – contrary to Michael Gove’s belief, you don’t have to be Korean to do maths) £27,000 for fees, plus £9,000 maintenance, then you’re looking at…I took a break to do this sum on my phone calculator and it couldn’t display the answer because the figure was so big it wouldn’t fit on my screen!
So basically, the government is in so much debt, Nokia can’t even comprehend it. If more realistic fees were charged, say, just enough to cover the cost of the degree, it would be more likely to be paid back, decreasing the deficit.
Me and my friends worked out that even if we’re in jobs earning £40,000 a year, we’ll still never pay everything back before the 30 year deadline and it’ll be wiped out, so a majority of students are actually making a profit. And that’s if we can even get jobs to pay anything back, which brings me onto my next point…
- Stop Raising the Retirement Age – More people are being lent the above mentioned tuition fees because there are a lack of jobs for young people. How is making people work until they’re 87 going to help that?!
I work in a guitar shop lifting heavy boxes up and down stairs. What are they going to do? Install a Stanna-Stairlift with a special guitar shaped platform?
Elderly folk should be at home with a nice cup of tea watching countdown, not zimmering on up and down the aisles of a factory. They’re not built for that! And to top it all off, they wouldn’t even be able to get to work for free because the government are trying to take away their free buspasses!
And finally, step three…
- Learn to answer a question – Dancing around the subject like a chorus member in West Side Story really doesn’t count. Neither does telling me how shit Nick Clegg is. I mean it’s true, Nick Clegg is shit, but it’s common knowledge, we don’t need reminding…
When said elderly people come and ask questions about their pensions and buspasses, there is a conversational system in place for you to answer those questions. It’s called adjacency pairs. Sacks and Shegloff wrote some papers on it, they’re really quite good.
And how do I know this, I hear you ask?
BECAUSE I’M PAYING NINE THOUSAND POUNDS FOR SOMEBODY TO TELL ME TO READ THOSE PAPERS UNDER YOU’RE MOTHERFLIPPING GOVERNMENT
That will be all.
No need to vote for me all at once.
Faye
afayewithwords 